Friday, April 9, 2010

Fear, Trust, and some dude named Bob

Fear is an ugly, ugly thing.

I suppose, in the right context, fear is a good thing. It's healthy to have a little fear. It's what kept our ancestors from trying to shake a paw with saber toothed tigers. It's what keeps us away from that guy in the alley with a knife. Thus we live to propagate the species with that fear reaction intact.

Too much fear is what I'm talking about. Fear that gets in the way of living life, that damages relationships, that causes meltdowns. Monsters in the closet, grownup style. Where does that fear come from, and why is it so hard to get rid of?

In my life, I've had a lot of people tell me that I wasn't good enough for their love, sometimes through their words, most of the time through their actions. I've gotten to a place where I actually fear love - or more specifically, where I fear losing the people I love. It's irrational and it leads me to do ridiculous things. I spent many years in a loveless relationship because it felt safe to me. It was an incredibly stupid, cowardly thing to do and it taught me that a person I'm not in love with can hurt me too. Just in different ways. But it wasn't scary, and that was what made me stay.

Over the past couple of years, I've shed my cocoon of dead end relationships and substance abuse and found this big beautiful life in this big beautiful world, and it's beyond amazing to me. I never even thought it could be like this. It's full of love and hard work and happiness and sadness and all kinds of fantastic things - in short, it's a real life. And it scares the shit out of me. I hoard all the precious moments I can from it, ever fearful that someday all my happiness will be snatched away from me. My fear overshadows those moments, darkens the brightest days. It sits in the corner and whispers terrible things to me - that the trust I've worked so hard to have in those I love most will be shattered. That these people who mean so much to me will leave in time. That I will be hurt terribly again.

I'm sick of my fear. I call it "mine", like it's something I own. That's how long I've had it. Jeebus Christ - I may as well give it a name. "Hello, I'm Toquegirl, and this is my fear, Bob." It's fucking ridiculous.

I know that this fear, this lack of trust, is not protecting me from anything. In the end, it is more damaging than anything anyone else can do to me. So it's time to move on. Give Bob the boot, give the haters the finger, and get the fuck on with living, finally.

Wish me luck.

1 comment:

  1. Yeah, screw Bob.

    But really, good. Move forward. Whatever you have to do.

    Good luck.