I wish I had just breathed into a paper bag like you're supposed to when you're upset.
I wish I had been able to nap earlier in the day.
I wish that I hadn't found out the night before that some people in my family think I'm not caring for my grandmother properly. That really hurt, considering I had to hear it secondhand, and considering the fact that no one takes into account how hard I work around here.
I wish I hadn't done my finances two hours before going into work.
I wish I hadn't found out that my expenses outrun my income..by a longshot.
I wish, oh I wish, that I hadn't turned to my ex for help, because god only knows that ain't gonna happen.
But, that's just the way it went, and by the time I got to my night shift, I was already in full blown panic mode. Two or so hours into work, I hit the floor, rendered unconcious by my third ever anxiety attack.
I spent the night in hospital, on an iv drip to replace fliuds, trying to sleep, trying to calm my racing mind. The thing that kept occurring to me is that I haven't been back to work long enough to warrant sick pay, and my little episode in the kitchen has now set me even farther back.
Yes, I am what is known up here in the Great White North as "up the creek without a paddle".
I need to get more hours at work or find a second job, which means I need to find more childcare. I've tapped my family out, can't afford to pay someone, and the ex is beyond unreliable. So what? What do I do?
I buckle down, cut the fat, make sacrifices, work really really hard to find that little bit extra that I need, and I find a way to make it work for all of us - Chaos, baby-to-be, gramma, and me.
To everyone who thinks that I can't, or that I won't, or that it's not going to work; to the people who talk behind my back and the people who should be pitching in but aren't, buzz off.
And to my angels - all the people who've really stepped up to help in whatever way, in spite of some inconvenience - you have my love, my respect, and my eternal gratitiude.
Rhubarb to the Rescue
8 hours ago