Friday, August 27, 2010

This is Your 2 PM Wake Up Call

I wish I had just breathed into a paper bag like you're supposed to when you're upset.

I wish I had been able to nap earlier in the day.

I wish that I hadn't found out the night before that some people in my family think I'm not caring for my grandmother properly. That really hurt, considering I had to hear it secondhand, and considering the fact that no one takes into account how hard I work around here.

I wish I hadn't done my finances two hours before going into work.

I wish I hadn't found out that my expenses outrun my a longshot.

I wish, oh I wish, that I hadn't turned to my ex for help, because god only knows that ain't gonna happen.

But, that's just the way it went, and by the time I got to my night shift, I was already in full blown panic mode. Two or so hours into work, I hit the floor, rendered unconcious by my third ever anxiety attack.

I spent the night in hospital, on an iv drip to replace fliuds, trying to sleep, trying to calm my racing mind. The thing that kept occurring to me is that I haven't been back to work long enough to warrant sick pay, and my little episode in the kitchen has now set me even farther back.

Yes, I am what is known up here in the Great White North as "up the creek without a paddle".

I need to get more hours at work or find a second job, which means I need to find more childcare. I've tapped my family out, can't afford to pay someone, and the ex is beyond unreliable. So what? What do I do?

I buckle down, cut the fat, make sacrifices, work really really hard to find that little bit extra that I need, and I find a way to make it work for all of us - Chaos, baby-to-be, gramma, and me.

To everyone who thinks that I can't, or that I won't, or that it's not going to work; to the people who talk behind my back and the people who should be pitching in but aren't, buzz off.

And to my angels - all the people who've really stepped up to help in whatever way, in spite of some inconvenience - you have my love, my respect, and my eternal gratitiude.


  1. My goodness lady... HUGS!
    That sounded like quite the "adventure" you had. I am sure you are taking wonderful care of your Grandmother. It's funny how the people who aren't there or helping out have an opinion on something they shoulden't. Things will work out for you, I can feel it. The sun is going to start shinning in your direction.xo